My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
