I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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