At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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