chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
