I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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