In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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