I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
