Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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