I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
