Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
