woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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