I must be too annoying 4 u.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
