he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
