once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
