Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
