god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
