He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
