i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
