Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
