vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
