I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
