Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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