every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
