You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
