I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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