Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
