I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
