There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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