if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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