Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
