??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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