My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize