We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
