You're my little dorito
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
