What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
