it wasn't lemon gatorade
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
