Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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