My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
