My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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