at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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