I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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