Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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