I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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