tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
