shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
