I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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