it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
