cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
