I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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