people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
