Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize