It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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