On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
