Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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