I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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