I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
