Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
