i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
