the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
